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    Wrong

    We're always en route to the mundane when they ask me these questions.

    Where do babies come from?

    I mean how do they get out of the mom's belly?

    I've skirted this particular question before, with talk of "Sometimes the doctors make a cut in the mommy's belly and they take the baby out that way."

    But this time, they were demanding more. 

    What happens the other times? Do they pee or poop the baby out?

    I explained that babies were neither peed nor pooped. That babies come out of a woman's vagina.

    Silence from the back of the car. And then. Gus.

    "But how does something as BIG as a BABY get out something as SMALL as a ..."

    Me: Yeah.

    <moment of silence>

    Gus: That is just WRONG.

    Me: Tell me about it. 

     

     

    Posted on Thursday, January 26, 2012 at 05:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

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    Words Whose Actual Definitions I Can Never F*ing Remember

    Quotidian

    Caprice

    Ipso Facto

    Nonplussed

    Sanguine

    Anathema

    You?

    Posted on Wednesday, January 25, 2012 at 05:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

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    Enough is Not Enough

    The women at work were discussing donuts.

    Two boxes of Krispy Kremes had appeared on the kitchen table, seemingly out of nowhere.

    -I don't even see those.

    -See what?

    -Exactly. 

    -They're not even the kind I like.

    -What kind are they? 

    -The ones with the chocolate icing and that stuff ...

    -Custard?

    -Yeah, the custard in the middle.

    Me: (Shrilly inserting myself into the conversation as I can rarely resist doing.) I don't eat the ones with the custard centers. I don't believe in them. YOU ARE A DONUT. YOU DON'T ALSO NEED TO BE A BOWL OF PUDDING.

    We ask too much of our food.

    Larry brought home a pair of Gigi's Cupcakes the other night (leftovers from a school function), and the frosting-to-cake ratio was so obscene, it was as if Black Beauty herself had ingested a bucket of glitter and painstakingly beshat each one.

    Which is not to say I didn't eat one. My strong donut morals, apparently, don't transfer onto cake. Even when the cake looks like Carmen Miranda.

    Posted on Monday, January 23, 2012 at 07:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

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    My 2011 Reading List, Unabashed & Unabridged

    I love to swap book recommendations with people, so I thought this would make a nice New Year’s tradition. For myself,  anyway. (I won’t speak for you.) These are the books that I finished. There were others I started and stopped for various reasons--so anything listed here has some merit, regardless of whether it was a favorite. I think it's an interesting snapshot of where my head was during various points throughout the year. So let's compare notes ... and please don't leave without telling me your best (or worst!) reads of 2011.

    1. Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith
    Anne Lamott
    This was actually a re-read. I think I’ve read all of her books of essays twice now. And none of her fiction. I’m not sure why.

    2. The New Testament
    This was on my bucket list.
    Check. 

    3. I Thought It Was Just Me But It Isn’t
    &
    The Gifts of Imperfect
    ion
    Brene Brown
    I read these books back to back, after seeing Brown's TED talk. You know when you find a writer or a blogger whose voice is just so real and honest and funny, you wish she wanted to be your friend? Brene Brown is one of those writers and one of my better discoveries in 2011. Check out her TED talk about The Power of Vulnerability for an introduction.

    Just Kids
    Patti Smith
    Perfection. Probably my favorite book of the year. I (should probably be embarrassed to say) I knew absolutely nothing about Patti Smith before I read this. But it's worth noting that this is a standalone work of art that requires no prior knowledge or familiarity to enjoy.

    Bossypants
    Tina Fey
    *Dreamy sigh.* *Hearts swirling around my head.*

    Taft
    Ann Patchett
    I wish they’d re-release this book under a different title. I can’t think of Taft without conjuring up the bemustached president or the boarding school, and this book has nothing to do with either. The subject matter was vastly different from other Patchett novels, but it was nonetheless excellent.  

    The Long Goodbye
    Meghan O’Rourke
    I think what makes the best memoirs is the feeling that the writing is essential. Like the words had to be written in order for the writer to fulfill her mission on earth. Sometimes the memoir is the mission (see Ann Patchett’s brilliant, brilliant Truth & Beauty) and sometimes, as I believe is the case in The Long Goodbye, the memoir is a gateway the author needed to pass through. Either way, both author and reader are better off.

    Say Her Name 
    Francisco Goldman
    Another grief memoir. (What the hell, self?) I’m sorry to say I had a tough time feeling this one. Goldman’s writing was elegant in places, but in others his ego would swell up and tromp across the pages, resulting in an overall effect that was uneven and, in moments, just flat out weird. Descriptions of the author’s post-loss sexual escapades, for example (ostensibly crafted to illustrate the depth of his grief and confusion) felt crass and gratuitous.

    29 Gifts
    Cami Walker
    If you have even a passing familiarity with Jesus Christ, you might find the author’s “revelation” that helping others gives life meaning a little hard to take, but it’s not enough to dismiss this story of personal growth—and the movement it started.

    The Memory Palace
    Mira Bartok
    I liked it. But I wanted to love it, because the author’s experience made for rich material. Somehow Bartok managed to write an entire memoir without revealing very much of herself.

    Launch
    Michael Stelzner
    I read this one for work, and it served its purpose. The overall premise being “Use social media to be helpful, and the business will follow.” Easier said and done if your business is knowledge/service oriented. 

    We Need to Talk About Kevin
    Lionel Shriver
    Daarrrrrrrrrk. Dark. Dark. And deeply disturbing. But so perfectly written, I suspect this author is an off-the-charts genius. And I never, ever want to meet her in person.

    The Post Birthday World
    Lionel Shriver
    An expert execution of a marital “What if” scenario. What if you chose to cheat on your husband, and what if you chose to resist? Shriver runs two perfectly rendered plot lines side by side to brilliant effect.

    Beatrice and Virgil
    Yann Martel
    My exact words when finishing this book: What the ever-loving fuck was that? Call me if you know something.

    The Possibility of Everything
    Hope Edelman

    State of Wonder 
    Ann Patchett
    While this wasn't my all-time favorite Patchett book (and I've read them all), I really enjoyed it. You know when Vanity Fair does that Hollywood issue every year, and they give a handful of actors titles like “The Classic”, “The Ingenue” and “The Activist”, etc, etc? Well if they did the same thing with authors, Ann Patchett would be The Professional. The woman just doesn’t write a bad book.

    The Weight of Silence
    Heather Gudenkauf
    This one reads more like a movie of the week. There’s nothing groundbreaking about the writing, but it’s a solid, suspenseful and well-crafted page turner.

    The Art of Client Service 
    Robert Solomon
    A must-read for account service people in advertising—I’m surprised it took me this long to discover it. I usually abhor the plastic trendy BS of business books, but this one was useful and entertainingly written.

    The War of Art
    Steven Pressfield
    When more than one blogger whose writing you admire falls all over herself to recommend a book about writing, it usually means one of two things. Either the book is exceptional, or the blogger really likes the guy who wrote it. People praised this book up and down for its genius, and while there are a few morsels of insight bobbing around in there, the (mercifully short) book reads like someone’s unedited bedside dream journal. (The one they were only half awake when writing). Maybe it’s just me. Some artists arrive in your life at a time when you’re not of a mind to receive them. Like Gwen Stefani, for example.  Or Lady Gaga. I'm, uh, happy that you like them so much, but they remain a question mark for me.

    Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
    Mindy Kaling
    Funny. An entertaining and worthwhile read, which I wrote about here.

    Open
    Andre Agassi
    Paying full price for books makes me panicky, but I couldn’t walk away from the grand opening of Ann Patchett’s Nashville bookstore empty handed. So I grabbed the paperback edition of Open off a high shelf, vaguely remembering an interesting interview with Agassi and Terri Gross when the book first came out in hard cover. Agassi has an amazing story—but I was afraid his writing would suck . I was blown away—by the writing and the story, in equal measure. There’s a point (around the time he hooks up with Brooke Shields) where the book gets a little Hollywood tell-all, but still, it’s entertaining, and it doesn’t stay that way for long. If I were a douchey book blurber I’d used words like FIERCE and TRIUMPHANT to describe this memoir, and you’d think I was full of shit. But I’m not. Open is fierce. And triumphant. And one of the best books I read all year. I happen to love tennis, but I’m pretty sure that’s not a prerequisite to enjoying this book.

    The Descendants
    Kaui Hart Hemmings 
    Every page of this novel was perfect. And you'll know within one page whether you agree. 

    Heart of the Matter
    Emily Giffin
    Oh, sue me. Sometimes I crave a small dose of chick lit, and Emily Giffin is always a safe bet. If you can believe it, I have criteria for this genre. (Standards, I tell you!) I don’t do funny fat girls with great taste in shoes. Or single women with horrible taste in men. Or just-shy-of-chic Manhattan <publicists/magazine editors/advertising execs> who save the day at work, show everyone how smart they really are, get the guy, and score themselves AND their plain-Jane sidekick the promotions and makeovers they both so readily deserve. Giffin does high-concept plots featuring flawed but sympathetic characters, and while it's not deep, she writes like a grownup. A grownup who found a formula that works.

    The Hunger Games
    Suzanne Collins
    With less than 48 hours left in 2011, I asked my Facebook friends for reading recommendations. Over the past year I’ve heard dozens of people rave about The Hunger Games, and I’ve always dismissed it, because it’s Young Adult fiction and dammit I want to read big-girl books. But when one friend, who has always told me that he hates to read, commented that The Hunger Games made him a reader, I figured I owed the book a chance. And it was worth the read. Fast paced and entertaining, good characters, a fun plot. It reads like YA fiction, which is to say the text is stripped down to the bare essentials (probably another reason why so many people enjoyed it), and the plot turns were predictable, but it doesn’t really matter. It was a lot like watching a Hollywood blockbuster, in your brain.  

    So that's it. Please, please hit me up with your favorite books of 2011--I never tire of this topic. And happy reading in 2012. 

    Posted on Sunday, January 01, 2012 at 04:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (11) | TrackBack (0)

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    Passion in My Pants

    Gus: Mom, what does that song mean, "I have a passion in my pants"?

    Me: Excuse me?

    Gus: That song. "I have a passion in my pants, and I'm not afraid to show it." What does that mean?

    Me: It's ... just silly. And not really appropriate. Please don't sing that.

    Gus: But what does it MEAN? "I have a passion in my pants ..." 

    Me: Well, obviously the singer's mom sewed a patch inside his pants. With the word Passion on it.

    Patrick: Like a pirate patch?

    Me: Exactly.

    Posted on Friday, December 23, 2011 at 08:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

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